Sorry to any Irish bloggers out there but I have a feeling you'll agree...
There is something very interesting about the media industry in Ireland. Before that hairy fucking troll jumps on my back all I'm talking about are live TV chat shows, radio programmes and certain Irish newspapers.
The TV shows, the live chat shows, are essentially shit. They are either presented as though it's the 1930's and women are just coming out of suffrage or they try to be the most up-to-date modernistic show ever. Sadly, there is no in-between. The presenters themselves are also shit.
As a recent afternoon show (think Pebble Mill at One but without the stunning set or cosy jumpers) started the following conversation took place.
"Hello and welcome. As 2007 draws to a close..." he starts.
"2008 Patrick, 2008!" she interrupts.
"What? Is it? Yes, of course it is. Sorry. As 2008 draws to a close we look at the year gone by and the highs and lows. Shona you've had a good year haven't you?"
"What?" she replies.
"Your year has been good hasn't it?"
"Patrick, mammy died in February, my husband walked out on me, I had that stroke which kept me off the show without pay for two months and last week I found out they're not renewing my contract next year, so no, my year has not been good!" she tells him.
"That's lovely," says Patrick with a very sincere smile then turns to the wrong camera, "and we'll here more about your year (the viewer) later on in the show."
I shit you not!
The breakfast television show is no better. Ireland AM!
"I think everyone agrees he was one of the worlds greatest film directors," says the female presenter about Stanley Kubrick.
"I don't!" says one of the two males.
"Well you're the only one," she laughs.
"No, I thought he was bollocks!" says the other male.
"There you go, he agrees with me," she says.
"No, I meant he was shit. I never understood his stuff."
And yes, they do say shit on the telly in the morning. And fuck, although most of the time it's feck.
I don't think I'll start on Fair City. Irelands answer to Dallas but with less shoulders pads and more Guinness. I'd like to talk about the actors in it but there aren't any. It's just wooden people talking utter shite! It's not live (which kinda makes it worse in my book as they have the chance to shout "no, you're shit, do it again!" but don't!) so I'm not going to talk about it.
And just to make things worse, at 6pm on RTE1 you get the Angelus!
Radio shows aren't that much better.
I listen to one called Newstalk mostly as I like the chatter and they fuck up more than most, other than Galway Bay FM. I've also become a minor celebrity by texting in quite often. They now call me on occasion to go on air and discuss topics such as the health system, abortion, raising children, gay issues and the best flavour of tampon to buy.
The Breakfast show with Ger Gilroy and Clare Somethingorother is okayish but sadly they have some fella to do the business news and he's rubbish.
"So Brendan, how are stocks doing?" they ask.
"Some are up, some are down. If you're think of buying I'd stay away from Pan Am shares, they don't look too hot but Woolies is a go-er!"
Galway Bay FM is a must at 9am, 1pm and 5pm as they have the death notices. This is where they inform the listeners who has kicked the bucket and where you can buy tickets to view the body. It comes on straight after the news.
"Mary Bejesus of Ballyfuckit, reposing at The Holy Chapel of Sister Sledge, LoughFecker from 4pm. Removal to Our Lady of the Wet Dream, Killcunty at 7pm. Mass for Mary Bejesus at 12pm, burial in the Sister Swing Out Cemetery after."
They do that for every death. And then... at the end...
"Galway Bay FM would like to sympathise with all the friends and relatives of the recently deceased." Insert a shot pause for breath, a quick play of some bells and then the mono-toned crone continues... "and now the Dooleys!" You can actually hear the needle go down on the scratched copy of Wanted and some rancid "engineer" coughing in the background. Sadly, I know what's it like, I worked in local radio and I've been that engineer wishing to God someone would finally answer my CV's and begging letters!
i102-104 is a relatively new station and is the Galaxy of Ireland. It's very hip and and the say fuck like they mean it but still appreciating that's it naughty. The only problem, for us foreigners, is that they present the shows in Irish and English.
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah Galway Harriers blah blah blah. Blah blah blah in the Tescos on the Headford Road!" and then they all start laughing. The music is good though.
So, the newspapers are very different over here as well. Obviously we get The Sun but it's called The Irish Sun and is basically the same paper with an added word and the odd changed story. Now I'd guess that as they are run by the UK edition they are too scared to do what all the other papers do... the real Irish papers. Censorship is strange over here. There aren't many shops that stock jazzmags and Playboy was banned until 1995 but if someone gets shot or axed in the head then that's a different matter. Our front pages show not only the car the man was shot in but the man himself with the bullet through his head. The TV news is the same only they usually a little slower so all you get is the cameraman showing you a trail of blood and some reporter pointing and going "Oooooh!"
I'm very tempted to record everything I see and hear as I think I'd make a fortune playing it to media studies students and pointing out that this is not not to do it.