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There is something quite calming and cathartic about writing a living will.

I was having a discussion the other day about what I would want done in the event of me being put on a life support machine and it made me realise that I doubt anyone knows my wishes. People may be able to guess but would you want the responsibility of being one of the people who had to guess what I would want you to do with my life!

You'd find it much easier if I'd already told you, wouldn't you?

So off you go to the doctor and you tell him that it's my wish to have the machine turned off and he then asks you to prove it! How would you do that? Shake me until I admitted it? Go back in time? Well you couldn't, which is what makes writing this living will so useful in my opinion.

It was actually quite strange because there I was writing down what I want someone else to do, Brad, my family, the doctors, in the event of me being unable to decide for myself. It was imagining being unable to make those decisions that really got to me. I can't imagine not being in control of my own life yet in my day to day work I do this all the time. I decide what the lads eat and when they eat it. If we go out I decide when and where. One lad sees his family once a month and it's us, as the care givers, that decide when that happens. Yes his parents have input but essentially it depends on us. These are lads who have never tasted the freedom of choice in a way that I have. They get to choose what they wear but ultimately, if it's inappropriate, I can give them something else to put on and again take away their choice.

I do this everyday but what right do I have to do it? Who decided that for seventy-eight hours in every two weeks I can play God? And who decides if I'm any good at it?

I wrote a blog entry and then deleted it before posting.

So I wrote it again and then did the same.

Ditto.

Ditto.

I read the entry and then read it again and broke it down into five simple words.

It is happening again! Cunt!