Regular readers will know I have a certain phobia that I find very, very difficult to cope with at times.
The base of the problem is that I cannot watch people brush their teeth and I cannot have people watch me. "Well how often does that happen?" you ask, well you'd be surprised just how many toothpaste/toothbrush adverts there are and how many times people are shown brushing their teeth in films and television shows.
Unfortunately over the year this has developed and got worse to the point that I cannot hear talking about issues with regard to teeth and I cannot cope with seeing a dentist. In fact all things connected with teeth send a shiver up my spine and often make me gag, or shake and I've been known to vomit in the past, as well as cough up blood without realising it because I tense and clamp down on my tongue.
During one visit to a dentist, just for regular check up, I curled up into a ball on the chair and began crying for my mom. When the dentist finally managed to calm me down and explained what he wanted to do I threw up. Sadly his little spit bowl wasn't big enough to hold the contents of my stomach and alas a comedy moment followed as the dental nurse decided the sight of me bringing back breakfast made her want to do the same.
From that day on I was referred to a dentist at a psychiatric hospital and treated as an out-patient, thankfully, by a dentist used to dealing with people with... problems!
He was so warm and kind and had many different techniques to put me at ease, even if one of them was sedation. If I was having a very bad visit I was sedated and strapped into the chair. I had to sign a waiver to agree to this but if it meant dental care without becoming a basket case then that was good enough for me.
So getting on to tonight's issue. I have broken a tooth. One at the back. It felt like half had broken off but when I looked in the mirror it's only a quarter.
Even though it's only a quarter it hurts like buggery. I've gagged once so far and lost count of how many times I've shuddered. I am going to have to see someone but I can't bring myself to even think about it. There is no way I'll be able to afford to go back to the UK to see my dentist and I doubt I'll find one over here that I could trust as much as him. If I go to a dentist I'm going to have to pay and he'll either refuse to treat me because of the state I'll get into or refer me on to someone who'll cost even more.
So what do I do? Years ago I would crush up paracetamol and rub it into my gums when I had toothache and knew I wouldn't be able to see my dentist for a few days. It would numb the pain but days after I'd have a vile taste in my mouth and a slight soreness in my gum, which was nothing compared to the pain of toothache. I was told by the dentist for doing this and haven't done it since.
If I take a deep breathe in then it hurts. This means the nerve is exposed. How long will it be before I can't eat? Tonight's evening meal was a chore? Will it ease off as I get used to it or will I end up not eating.
If you could understand the state I get into and realise that this description is not just me being over-dramatic but is a true measure of how I get and how I feel just talking.
My ex, who knew the state I got into, once came out the bathroom brushing his teeth. He took his toothbrush out of his mouth and moments later he was out cold on the floor and I was washing toothpaste of my knuckles. Brad and I hadn't been together long when he found out about this phobia and a few days later chased me round the house with a toothbrush in his hand. He only realised just how serious I was when he found me huddled in a corner quaking.
I cannot go to a dentist yet I know I have to. The right hand side of my face feels like I've got ten rounds with Tyson. I have a horrible feeling that more of the tooth may come out.
It's 11pm. I will not sleep tonight. Shit.
During the entire writing of this I have clenched by mouth so much it hurts, I feel sick and I could cry quite easily. I want to smoke.