So as you're all aware (well I think you are) I had an issue with my hearing that started ten years ago but got a lot worse in the April of last year. I can't be arsed going through it all as I did enough complaining back then but suffice to say I now where a hearing aid in my left ear and will more than likely end up with one in my right ear soon enough.

Anyway...

What some of you don't know is that I have a certain faith I follow. A little while back I had a crisis of faith and wondered if I should bother with it all. When I went through something major a few years ago someone suggested finding a faith as it can often be good to talk to someone. So I found my faith and became a follower. Everything they told me seemed to help and even though I'd heard some crap about organised religions and cults, I still followed them and found the support wonderful.

They really helped, and I mean that quite sincerely.

So, I offered to return the favour and gave them my support. I basically did everything they asked, apart from the bits I disagreed with and they were all happy with that. They appreciated that everyone is different and allowed to make their own choices. They didn't enforce anything and gave everyone free will, unlike a lot of religions I studied before choosing this one.

In April last year my hearing got worse, as I said above. I was quite pissed off with this and actually found it difficult to cope with. Accepting I had a hearing problem meant not being able to accuse people of mumbling or blaming a bad phone line. I have no problem admitting I have faults but I'd covered this one up so much that I'd got use to hiding it and now there was the chance I'd have something physical to show that it was a problem.

I finally got over this with the support of Brad, my family and my friends. Some in here, some in real life. I had a few email conversations with someone from here who really helped and I finally ended up happily accepting a hearing aid. I'm now at the stage where in the morning I put it in and rarely think about it. If I have to have another one then so be it. I'm not bothered in the slightest.

So what does bother me? Well I turned to my faith. I emailed a few friends there and asked for someone to talk to. I asked for help. No one called me back. I got letter after letter after letter but all they contained was demands for course paperwork (yes, I'm doing a course with them) or leaflets telling me about planned events. Not once did someone contact me ask me if I was okay. When I did get a phone call, finally, they started by asking how I was and I told them. They listened. When I finished explaining things she said "Oh well that's nice, it's great you're dealing with it, anyway what I've called about is your course paperwork..."

Great.

So I've spent the last few weeks thinking about things. Do I really need them? Do I actually want them? Is there really any point to me being part of them now. I've often thought about walking away as it's not as though I'm active like I used to be but currently I'd still consider myself part of them, I just don't know anymore if they are worthy of my support but I also can't seem to walk away.

Sometimes doing nothing seems like the better option I just don't want to do nothing. I haven't touched my course paperwork in over a year and although I know I can pick it up and carry on as and when I'm ready, I just don't think I want to.

I truly don't know what I want, other than I know I don't want to talk to them about this as they are just going to convince me to stay but I don't know if that's the right thing for me anymore.

Bollocks!